BATMAN '66 – THE LOST EPISODES
by Out of Lullabies
Summary: Something not so funny is afoot in Gotham City! With Chief O'Hara and Commissioner Gordon lured to Gotham City Park with the offer of free candy, it's up to Batman and Robin to save the day from the joking villain of the week. But this villain is not exactly what they expected. Based off the amazing 1960's television series. Co-written with Josh Green Philly.
1. Ha-Ha, Batman!

_AN: This is a collaborative effort with Out of Lullabies and Josh Green Philly. After getting hooked on the Batman Sixties series, we decided to write a story just for fun switching writers scene by scene. We ended up with this. Enjoy!_

BATMAN '66 TV SERIES – THE LOST EPISODES

"HA-HA, BATMAN!"

SEASON 2, EPISODE 61

BAT NARRATOR

It's morning in Gotham City! Little kids are complaining about toothaches! Mothers are looking concerned! Now in Commissioner Gordon's office, Chief O'Hara has a toothache of his own.

"Oh Commissioner Gordon, damn me tooth. Damn it to hell", exclaims Chief O'Hara.

"Quit your sniveling whining," as Commissioner Gordon bitterly responds to his lethargic lackey! "I bet BATMAN never complains about something as small as a tooth."

"You're right sir!" The Chief lets out an exasperated sigh.

"Of course I am right! The Caped Crusader is, wait...what's that on the television?"

The officers of order turn their attention to the bright colors on the TV screen and the catchy jingle "Ha-Ha Bars make you happy! Ha-Ha Bars make you gay! Get some Ha-Ha Bars today!"

A man's voice is heard laughing over the music "Ha-Ha! For today only Ha-Ha Bars are free! Come to Gotham City Park at 12 PM for a surprise! Ha-Ha!"

The commercial ends and the duo of Gotham City's Finest look at each other in surprise.

And then something startling happens...Commissioner Gordon doesn't call Batman via the Bat Phone in his office. Being exposed so frequently to costumed lunkheads like Egghead and King Tut have caused Commissioner Gordon and Chief O'Hara to treat this television commercial as nothing more than mundane.

Commissioner Gordon quickly puts on his jacket, looking over at Chief O'Hara. "Chief O'Hara, I just remembered I have a pressing engagement to attend! Can you handle things until I get back?"

"Of course I ca-...Wait a dog-gone minnnute! It is just almost 11 AM, are ye going to scamper down to Gotham City Park for these Ha-Ha Bars? You are the Commissioner! What if I wanted to go? Lunch is only a mere hour away, and I'll be starving mad, I tell ya!"

"Well then let's go together, Chief O'Hara. It isn't often when a FINE Gotham citizen wants to give back to the people of the city!" And after a long pause, "Eh, Chief O'Hara?"

"Yessir?"

"Weren't you complaining about a toothache just moments ago?"

"Very true sir, very true. It won't be easy to eat this delectable dessert, but it is for the good of the city, after all." Chief O'Hara replies, clearly justifying his insatiable gluttony.

BAT NARRATOR

Commissioner Gordon nods with affirmation towards Chief O'Hara as these two hungry heroes leave for Gotham City Park. What they don't know is that Ha-Ha Bars isn't allllllllll they are going to get when they reach Gotham City Park. But who will help them? It can't be Batman and Robin, because the Commissioner's Bat Phone remains unlit in an empty room.

But WAIT?

Who is that opening the window? With an "H" painted on top of one eye and an "A" on top of the other, is this the same person whose voice was just on the TV?

CUE INTRO MUSIC

At Stately Wayne Manor, Bruce and Dick are transfixed on their Tiddlywinks game. Alfred is dusting the book shelves when Aunt Harriet hurries into the room her eyes alive with excitement waving a piece of paper.

"Oh boys! Boys! I have received the best news!"

Bruce gave a sideways glance at his protégé. "Hopefully it's not a resurgence of the Catusi again that has dear Aunt Harriet in such a tizzy, old chap."

The Boy Wonder nods enthusiastically in agreement. "Boy, me too, Bruce. That felonious feline needs to stop starting dance crazes and start repaying her debt to society if you ask me!"

Aunt Harriet bounds across the room to show the young men the flier in her hand. "We received this in the mail today! They are giving away free Ha-Ha Bars down at Gotham City Park at noon! Alfred (bats eyelashes) will be driving me there shortly. Would you like to come, boys?"

Bruce hesitated with deep thought. "Even after seeing the commercial several minutes ago, I think I will decline. While Ha-Ha Bars are delicious, they have almost no nutritional value. Now if they were giving away free apples at the park..."

"Pardon my intrusion, Master Bruce, but sir can have free apples from the orchard anytime sir cares to." Alfred interrupts gently.

"Very true, my friend. Very true."

"Sorry Aunt Harriet, count me out as well, but thanks for the invitation."

"Oh not all Dick dear!" she sidles up to Alfred with a secret smile.

"Looks like it's just the two of us, Alfred!"

Alfred stares straight ahead and gulps. "Quite, madam."

They leave together for the park, Aunt Harriet chattering endlessly.

Alone again with Dick and his thoughts, Bruce wonders aloud, "There's something suspicious about that commercial. I half expected to be called on the Bat Phone mere seconds after the end of the Ha-Ha commercial."

"Gee Batman? What do you want to do?" A genuinely confused Dick looks to his mentor for guidance.

"First, inspect the evidence. Quick Robin to the Bat Poles!"

Bruce and Dick go into the private study, to reveal the secret passageway to the Batcave, by pressing the hidden button in the Shakespeare bust.

The hidden door to the Batcave opens, as Bruce and Dick lunge onto their distinctively labeled Bat Poles. But when they land in the Batcave, a most outrageous outcome occurs.

"Holy hallucinations! You're wearing my Robin costume!" A shocked Robin shouts to Batman.

"Yes, and you are in my Batman attire. It seems that something very unusual is happening to us," Batman responds, quietly insecure about wearing the Robin costume for the first time. "Now think Robin, did we jump onto our correct Bat Poles?

"I specifically remember you being on my right for the slide down, Bruce. So yes, I think we did." But Robin's thoughts drift. He wonders if he will I one day be worthy to take on the mantle of Batman in the future. Dick looks up to Bruce more than anybody, and hopes to be considered Bruce's equal in the future. But with Dick now standing in the Batman costume, he wonders if this will be the only time he will ever wear the Cape Crusader's cowl.

"How peculiar," Batman notes. "I remember you on my right as well. But I must say, my friend, in the years to come, this will probably not be the last time you wear my uniform."

Robin beams with pride.

"After all, I plan to go on vacation at some point. Metropolis is lovely in the autumn I am told."

"Right, Batman! So what should we do now?"

"Well Robin, I think the only thing we can do is go back upstairs and go down the bat poles once more."

"Gotcha!" Robin hurries to the secret bat pole door and stopped in his tracks..."Uh, Batman?"

"Yes, old chum?"

"The Bat Poles, they are gone!"

"What? Impossible!"

"Does that mean we have to actually remain dressed like this?!"

"For now, yes. But it doesn't matter who's in the suits, just as long as we perform our civic duty to protect the residents of Gotham."

Robin tears up. "I won't let you down, Batman."

"Nor, I you. Nor I you! …. NOW! …. I can only assume that our friends in the police department are at Gotham City Park! Quick Robin, to the Batmobile! We have no time to lose!"

Batman and Robin quickly rush towards the Batmobile, jumping into their respective seats. They have done this so often and for so long, they are a well-oiled machine. But before Robin can get the Batmobile started, Batman puts his hand in the air, clearly indicating that he has a thought."

"What is it, Batman?" Robin asks curiously.

"Remember what I told you about Batman and Robin being symbols?"

Robin nods in affirmation.

"Gothamites shouldn't feel the burden of this most perplexing costume mix-up. I can only suspect that the voice on the Ha-Ha Bars commercial is the culprit . And who else could it be other than the sick and twisted, Joker."

"You're right Batman! Ha-Ha Bars. Of course it's The Joker! I can't believe all of Gotham fell for his sneaky scheme!"

"Well once The Joker is defeated and back in jail where he belongs, this could help Gotham citizens eat healthier. Remember what I told you about the Five Food Groups, Robin?"

"A healthy day keeps the doctor away?" Robin uncertain whether he recited the correct anecdote.

"Right! Now let's switch seats Robin, and don't forget to buckle, the Batmobile is yours." Batman says, unsure of whether Robin can rise to the challenge as Batman.

"Atomic batteries to power. Turbines to speed."

Robin looks to his right at Batman, smiles, then looks straight ahead. "Roger. Ready to move out."

CUE BATMAN THEME AS BATMOBILE EXITS THE BATCAVE

BAT NARRATOR

Meanwhile, in an abandoned warehouse on the Gotham City Docks, The Joker and his henchman lay unconscious in a cage. The phrase "Ha-Ha" is written across the every section of the walls surrounding them. Who would taunt The Joker so?

Now, back in the office of Commissioner Gordon, slowly walks a man with a long trench coat. Who is this man? His clothes are wrinkled, Aunt Harriet would certainly not approve! He removes the "H" and the "A" stickers from his eyes and places them on the Commissioner's desk. First the "H". Then the "A". Then he writes on a notepad…. "WHY SO SERIOUS? Were my Ha-Ha Bars not what you expected?"

COULD THERE BE ANOTHER JOKER IN-TOWN? AND WHY ARE HIS JOKES NOT FUNNY?

WILL BATMAN AND ROBIN MAKE IT TO GOTHAM CITY PARK IN-TIME TO SAVE THEIR FRIENDS?

WE'LL FIND OUT TOMORROW NIGHT!

SAME BAT TIME! SAME BAT CHANNEL!

End Part 1


	2. Holy Identity Crisis!

_AN: Josh Green Philly here. This has been a truly delightful experience co-writing this incredibly fun Batman story with Out of Lullabies! Say what you will about the Batman '66 television show, it may be campy, but its characters are so well defined that the story almost writes itself!_

I am very proud of this story, which could have fit in really well with the TV series if it was actually filmed. Now where did I leave that time-traveling telephone booth that Rufus lent me the other day?

BATMAN '66 TV SERIES – THE LOST EPISODES

"Holy Identity Crisis!"

SEASON 2, EPISODE 62

Recap Part 1

BAT NARRATOR

What's THIS? A commercial for Ha-Ha Bars. Are these tempting treats too good to be true? DING!

Commissioner Gordon and Chief O'Hara certainly think so! DING!

So does Alfred and Aunt Harriet! DING!

Sensing something is afoot, The Caped Crusader and The Boy Wonder investigate only to find themselves in a most BIZZARO costume switch! DING!

Sensing a connection between the Ha-Ha Bars and their curious costume conundrum, The Kid Crusader and The Man Wonder race to Gotham City Park in their Batmobile! DING!

But The Joker can't be behind this. He is under lock and key. DING!

Who is that in the Commissioner's office, and why does he seem so…happy? DING!

CUE INTRO MUSIC

With Batman and Robin close in proximity to Gotham City Park, the Batmobile comes to an unexpected and screeching halt. Cars are left abandoned with their doors wide-open, as an onslaught of people converge to get their free Ha-Ha Bars!

"Holy hold-up!" Robin cries out, unable to see beyond the barrage of Gotham's deluded denizens.

"Confound it! The Joker will pay for what he has done to my city!" Batman clearly upset, but never losing his resolve. "Look Robin, the Gotham City Police station is to our left. Let's climb to the roof with our Bat Ropes. From there, we will get a good look at the park. Come, Robin, let's go!"

Robin races besides his partner, wondering how The Joker caused this puzzling predicament in his city. Shouldn't he know the answer? He is wearing Batman's cowl after all.

Batman knows Robin so well; he realizes that the costume switch is nothing but a catastrophic crisis for The Boy Wonder. But however painful this is, it will be the truest test of his partner's capabilities.

As they are about to toss their Bat Ropes, a suspicious figure from their pasts taps Batman on his shoulder.

"Ma Parker?" Bellows a befuddled Batman!

The mischievous mother sticks her hands on her hips and stares up at Batman's face. "What in tarnation, is this opposite day or somethin'?! Why are you two dressed in each other's clothes?"

Batman and Robin share a look, knowing that this is a question they will hear often today. "That, is none of your concern, "Now may I ask, madam, why are you here? Are you planning to turn yourself in again to the authorities like that dastardly Mother's Day scheme?"

"Yeah, we know your tricks, Ma Parker! You won't get away with it again!" Robin chimes in defensively.

Ma Parker pouts at the accusation. "I wouldn't think of doing the same plan again, boys. I'm a professional after all."

"Then what are you doing here?" Batman inquires as more cars screech up and park in the middle of the street as their inhabitants run across the street to Gotham City Park not even looking both ways before crossing.

"I'm here for the same reason as everyone else! Ha-Ha Bars! I am a poor mother with a large brood after all, and free chocolate is nothing to sneeze at. The _girl_ doesn't like Ha-Ha bars, but what can you expect, she's a girl after all. Pah!"

Robin gives Batman an uneasy look but remembers what he learned in Mrs. Hooper's history class about the constitution. "You know, Robin, people are innocent until proven guilty in our fair nation. I think we have to take Ma Parker at her word."

Batman manages a small smile as he swells with pride for his protégé. "You are indeed right, Batman. One of the many reasons I am proud to be an American. Ma Parker, we bid you good day."

"My goodness! Yer even callin' each other your own names! I need to be gone before yerr madness starts to affect me!" Ma slings a large canvas bag over her shoulder with a dollar sign painted on it. When the Dynamic Duo notice the symbol, she chuckles uneasily and starts backing away. "Ah, this old bag will do nicely to get my chocolate bars, waste not want not!"

Ma Parker scurries off to join in with the horde tearing toward Gotham City Park and Robin makes his first attempt to throw their Bat Ropes up onto the roof of the police station. He is not successful as the rope only goes halfway up the building and then plummets back down to the sidewalk with a black hair piece attached to it.

"Ah! My wig! My _beautiful_ wig!" A cry of despair interrupts the two puzzled crime fighters, who look up to the tallest window to see another blast from their past, now with a shiny pate glimmering in the sunlight.

"Chandell?!"

_AN: To those not familiar with Chandell, he was played earlier in Season 2 by the spectacular pianist showman, Liberace! While also playing Chandell's evil twin brother, Harry, these Batman episodes were the most watched of the series. Needless to say, TV executives wanted more Chandell! Liberace agreed to return, but only as a cameo._

"Oh my God! Robin, you look like my fatherrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!" Yells a confused and embarrassed Chandell.

"Robin? I'm Batman!"

SWISH!  
A visibly frustrated Batman throws his Batarang upwards, striking Chandell's hands!

SMASH!  
Chandell winces in pain, "My hands! How can I play the piano ever again?" He faints, falling backwards into the arms of the policemen who he had just tried to escape from. Even the GREAT Chandell cannot refuse the tempting possibilities of a tasty treat while trapped behind bars.

"Ahh, the irony," Harry thinking in his cell down the hall. "My brother wants to get outta the joint for some bars, and look at this, he's back behind bars." Harry smirks, slyly blowing cigar smoke out of the corner of his mouth.

BAT NARRATOR

Meanwhile, back to our fearless crusaders! Batman seems to have solved this perplexing puzzle. It needs to be pointed out that I am referring to millionaire playboy Bruce Wayne and not Dick Grayson. This identity crisis needs to come to an end for Batman and Robin to solve this crime!

"Robin, I know being in my suit means a lot to you. I know you want to make me proud, old chum! And you always will. But this confusion with the Ha-Ha Bars and our costumed craziness, we thought it was a joke. But it was a RIDDLE all along!"

"What do you mean, Batman?" A genuinely confused Robin asks his mentor, who is now only thinking only of solving this crime, and gives no thought to his aspirations for the cowl.

"It's the Riddler, Robin! He's the one behind the dastardly deeds of this day, not The Joker."

"Holy plot twist!"

"TWIST! Wise words, my youthful ward!" The brilliance of Batman's intellect creates such a delightfully groovy aura around Robin; bringing Robin's exuberance to an overwhelming state! "Let's break this case down bit-by-bit! Now how did the befuddlement of this day begin?

"Holy Ha-Ha Bars, Batman!

"Robin, I need you to be calm. 'Holy this and holy that', I need you to hear what I have to say. Time is of the essence."

Robin nods.

"The Ha-Ha Bars commercial. Why were we not tempted to go to the park, when all of Gotham was?"

"Gosh, Batman. You're right! That's not a joke, it's a riddle!"

"Right! And The Riddler knew that our first instinct would be that the culprit behind the Ha-Ha Bars is The Joker!"

"He played us from the beginning, Batman!"

"So let's answer the riddle, what makes us, Batman and Robin, different from the rest of Gotham City!"

"Our identities!"

"Precisely, Robin! Inside that commercial was a subliminal message affecting all the citizens of Gotham. But we are the only two individuals in Gotham who hide our identities! The Riddler knew we couldn't be affected by the commercial, so he caused the costume switch to keep us otherwise occupied!

"But how?"

"Look at this. Under our right gloves, there is a costume modulator chip. The Riddler must have secretly placed it on us after we stopped his last criminal spree. The chip slowly altered the strands of our costume until they reversed entirely! Fortunately, my Bat Tailor-Spray, will make the necessary alterations to our costumes."

Robin finds the aforementioned spray in the Bat Utility Belt. Using the spray only once on each of their costumes, Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson revert back to their rightful identities as Batman and Robin, The Boy Wonder!

"Wow, Batman! You think of everything! To create an invention like this, how did you know that one of our villains would try to switch our costumes?"

"Well, my Bat Tailor-Spray was originally intended to be used as the Bat Suit-Formulator-Spray! It can also create our costumes out of nothing. We can't always depend on our Bat-Poles for costume changes, you know."

"The Bat-Poles! Wait? How did they disappear?

"They didn't. It was a side-effect of the Ha-Ha Bars commercial! While The Riddler couldn't tempt us to go to Gotham City Park, the commercial distorted our perception of reality. The Bat Tailor-Spray also contains cures for any massive mind-madness, so we can trust our instincts fully once again! I am happy to say that our Bat-Poles haven't gone anywhere. But I believe that our conversation with Ma Parker was really us just talking to thin-air!"

"But what about Chandell?" Robin asks, wanting to know the rest of the answers.

Batman smirks. "Chandell won't be playing the piano for some-time. But I made sure that my Batarang throw was not a crippling blow."

"Gee, that's great news, Batman. If he reforms, I hope to hear him put on another show in person. And I know Aunt Harriet would be thrilled! But you have still haven't told me the answer to The Riddler's curiously confounding riddle?"

"The answer is simple, when the Riddler reversed our costumes to keep us otherwise occupied, then his criminal plan also must be contrary. Think, what's the opposite of his riddle? Ha-Ha Bars. Gotham City Park. Park. Hmmm."

"KRAP!" Robin yells, knowing that he has solved the riddle.

"Quite right, old chum! Park spelled backwards. The KRAP Commissioner's trophy, awarded to the finest police commissioners in America. Commissioner Gordon won the award only just last week, and deservingly so!"

"And isn't the trophy made of solid gold, Batman?

"It is, and it is on display in Commissioner Gordon's office, only protected by a glass case!"

"You don't think….?"

Batman finishes Robin's sentence. "…that The Riddler would steal the KRAP Commissioner's trophy, giving him unlimited wealth while also making all of Gotham, Batman and Robin look like fools? Absolutely. The Riddler is probably in Commissioner's Gordon's office as we speak! Come on Robin! The Bat-Ropes! Onwards and upwards!"

WILL BATMAN AND ROBIN MAKE IT TO COMMISSIONER GORDON'S OFFICE IN TIME TO STOP THE RIDDLER FROM BECOMING THE RICHEST PERSON IN GOTHAM CITY?

WELL THE RIDDLER BETTER HOPE SO, BECAUSE WHILE BATMAN AND ROBIN ARE CLIMBING TOWARDS THE COMMISSIONER'S OFFICE, THE REAL JOKER AND HIS JOKESTERS HAVE FREED THEMSELVES AND ARE COMING FOR REVENGE!

TUNE IN TOMORROW FOR THE CONCLUSION OF THIS UNSEEN EPIC!

SAME BAT TIME! SAME BAT CHANNEL!

End Part 2


End file.
